At work yesterday, I teamed up with a very senior staff. Let us call her, Lea.
She looks very fierce on the first impression but actually she is just another caring old lady. She has a lot of passion and commitment in what she does at work and for that she has all my respect.
But I was really curious. I know that they was just something more to her that just this committed, passion and caring co-worker.
So I decided to break the ice. I asked her why is she the one who always work on Saturdays. She replied because of her hospitalization. I didn’t want to go further but of cause deep down inside I did. It didn’t take longer than a minute that she broke the news. For my chemo treatment. There my instincts were right, there is something more to this lady.
It was her turn to break the ice. She told me she knows. I was like, what do you know exactly?
She told me about my illness. She gave me a few of her thoughts.
She told me I should start back my treatment, she said, apart of you die, not the entire you. But I told her, why should I keep trying knowing that there is no end to this suffering. I asked her how is it going through chemo each week. The pain. Is that what you what me to feel. I am ok with out any of these treatment. And I feel that it will only make it worst if I were to go for it again.
She told me what about my future. I look at her giving the stare of, ‘what about it?’.
My offsprings, my family, friends and the things that love me. I told her would it matter?
Would all this matter to me when I am dead?
Yes, I will die and yes, people will get hurt. They will hate me for ever living them. But isn’t hate all about love. They don’t really hate me, they are just angry that they wished that apart from telling me I needed some medication or surgery to make me feel better, that they could have offered something more. Maybe a life.
I said to her, I am not all too worried about what will happen when I die. I planned it perfectly. I have touched hearts and I have hurt them.
I have distance from those who does give me much importance to my life and I have keep those who have brought true meaning to it. And for that they will understand the reason for my departure.
Yes they will grief. But only for a moment. And when that moment ends, they will move on knowing that there are other things in life that requires more attention than the death of a loved one that they can nothing about anymore.
But I am certain that now and then, they will look up the sky and ask god to free me from heaven and let me reach out to them. And after those prayers they will thank god and me and move on.
Lea, she looked at me, as if everything I just said made a lot of sense of why I have stop treatment. But for her she told me, she still know that there is hope.
I told her hope is always there, it is whether you want to grab it or not. And I happy that she did. Because both of us suffer from a chronic illness but yet on the surface we look extremely normal and healthy.
We have chosen different ways to approach the problem. But we have the some heart, a caring, committed and compassionate one.
She told me before we broke for out tea that others at work were worried about me and she was tasked to talked to me and changed my mind. But just like her, she knew I might have not changed her mind about her cancer but I have changed they way she looked into certain similar things in her life.
To Lea, thank you. God bless and may you win the battle of cancer.